


The Balcony

by goodisrelative



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-18
Updated: 2005-10-18
Packaged: 2017-10-18 04:20:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/184912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodisrelative/pseuds/goodisrelative
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>He knows Elizabeth likes this balcony too - they’d often talked out here, but that is something he conveniently forgets tonight.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Balcony

_**SGA Fic: The Balcony [Slight Weir/Sheppard]**_  
DISCLAIMER: Stargate Atlantis and it's characters belong to their creators. This is not for profit and I am recognizing no financial gain from this enterprise.

Title: The Balcony  
Author: Goodisrelative  
Summary: _He knows Elizabeth likes this balcony too - they’d often talked out here, but that is something he conveniently forgets tonight._  
Ranting: PG/Teens… some angst  
Pairing: slightly Sheppard/Weir… Sheppard/Weir friendship at least.  
Spoilers: through Letters from Pegasus  
AN1: Thanks to [](http://thekatebeyond.livejournal.com/profile)[**thekatebeyond**](http://thekatebeyond.livejournal.com/) , [](http://raisintorte.livejournal.com/profile)[**raisintorte**](http://raisintorte.livejournal.com/) and [](http://caroly-214.livejournal.com/profile)[**caroly_214**](http://caroly-214.livejournal.com/) for the beta comments… I hope you like the changes and additions!  
AN2: I wrote this after listening to _Letters from Pegasus_ while at work... I do actually have the ep on my computer, but have not been able to watch it yet (this will be rectified soon, hopefully). Certain things struck me in the ep... two are dealt with in this story- how Teyla does not understand John and how the messages to the dead's families back on Earth hit Elizabeth.

  
John likes to visit the balcony to work things through in his mind, to clear his head. He knows Elizabeth likes this balcony too - they’d often talked out here, but that is something he conveniently forgets tonight. He is staring out over the water when he hears the _whoosh_ of the door behind him. He turns to watch Elizabeth stride through.

“Good evening, Dr. Weir,” he says as he settles back against the railing, distracted by his thoughts. He doesn’t think too much on the fact that he thinks of her as Elizabeth, but always calls her Dr. Weir. He knows that that is a dangerous area he isn’t sure he wants to cross into yet.

“Good evening, Major,” she blinks at his presence, her own thoughts on the messages she taped earlier. “What brings you here tonight?” she asks, more to be polite than to really know right this minute. She needs her own time to think things through. She doesn’t think she has the patience or the strength to wear her leader mask right now.

“Events of the day,” John answers, but says nothing more - he isn’t ready to share his thoughts. He doesn’t miss Elizabeth’s sigh of relief at his answer. She has her own thinking to do, he knows.

They settle in next to each other, resting elbows on railings, eyes staring out, unseeing, over the water surrounding Atlantis. Their thoughts take them many miles away from the view and each other.

*

John wonders if he will ever find another person who understands his decisions. Elizabeth does not question him. Well, okay, she questions him at times, but when it comes down to it, she generally trusts his judgment, especially in military matters. But he wonders at times if she actually understands why he makes the choices he does. He thinks she’s the closest of the expedition members to understanding him because of her position as leader of the Atlantis expedition.

He always thought Teyla was the one who understood him completely. She is a warrior and a leader. But her questions today make him realize that they are very different.

He wonders if his desire for someone to understand him is both foolish and impossible. And that makes him question his own decisions. He has to put the safety of those who he is responsible for in front of anyone else, including those he might consider friendsif he had time to get to know them. Sometimes that means he has to let others fend for themselves, even in the face of certain death. He realized long ago that he is only human and one man. He does what he can, but he can’t save the world, or everyone he meets in this new galaxy. He saves his people and maybe others if he has the time and it doesn’t endanger his own.

He is charged with the safety of all those on Atlantis… the Earth expedition members and the Athosians. Something he never expected, never wanted, but accepted the moment Colonel Sumner died at his hand. He knows he did the right thing by him, that he never questions. But he wonders if he was right to take this mission at all, instead of allowing someone else with more trusted leadership experience, to take it. Someone better able to make the decisions he now faces.

He sighs softly. He didn’t have much choice in the matter, once they found he had the Ancient gene. He let them all convince him of the adventure. And he, himself, never even dreamt of the possibility that Sumner would die, especially so early in the mission.

Now it is left to him to make choices, to decide who to save, when to save them, and who to let die. He wonders if the decisions ever get easier, and then prays to a God he hasn‘t believed in for years that they never do.

Sometimes he wants to scream that he is only one man, and a human one at that. He can’t save everyone who needs to be saved. He can’t even save all of his own men and the civilians on Atlantis, let alone the rest of an entire galaxy. Sometimes he wishes he didn’t wear his carefree, joking mask so well, so that others could see the strain he is under. But he knows that isn’t possible. He is the military commander of Atlantis. He has to show everyone else that he is in control all the time so that they can feel a semblance of peace.

He is sure Elizabeth faces these same fears. He knows she feels like the deaths of team members are her personal failures. He recognizes that she also wants someone she doesn’t have to be the perfect leader in front of. Someone she can just be herself with and use as a sounding board to air out her thoughts and fears and desires for this city. He worries that he fails her when something goes wrong on missions, and that he’s alienated her one too many times. Sometimes he wishes that he trusted her more in the beginning, instead of just doing as he felt was right and ignoring her. He wishes he could explain his reactions, but sometimes he can’t explain them to himself, let alone anyone else.

After all that happened with Teyla today, he reconsiders and starts to see that Elizabeth is the one who understands him best. She faces a lot of the same things he does. In fact, he’s sure that what he takes on as his responsibility towards all of Atlantis is something she has always assumed was hers. Maybe the best answer for each of them is to share the burdens together.

He comes to terms with his issues for the time being, but he doesn’t kid himself that he won’t need this balcony again, or about the fact that he might not ever make it up here again. The Wraith are coming and he knows the odds of surviving this strike.

He wonders what is eating Elizabeth, and turns to look at her profile, knowing that something is. He realizes that in each other they each have a person they can let the mask slip with, if they want or need it.

*

She knows all the personnel that died under her command. First of all, the expedition team is small. Second, it is her duty, her burden, to know them all – their files and accomplishments, and her failures are committed to memory. But it wasn’t until she recorded the messages earlier today that it hits her just how many times she has failed and her people have died. And recounting each one, making messages to each person’s family, drained her.

She knows she has to snap out of it. There is simply too much to do. They have to find an Alpha Site; she has to ready her people, the Athosians, and the city for the impending Wraith attack. She needs to ensure people are working on ways to stop the Wraith; she needs to ensure others are working on ways to destroy the city if the inevitable happens. They can’t let the Wraith find a way to Earth. She has to keep everyone calm and focused… the list goes on, she knows. She wonders if she can hope to accomplish half of it. She wonders, too, if the mask that she perfected as a diplomat can last anywhere near the length of time she needs it to.

She wishes there was someone with whom she didn’t have to be Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of the Atlantis Expedition. She wishes that for a few minutes she could just be Elizabeth Weir, scared out of her mind about what are coming and all those she knows she will lose.

She can picture the faces of every person she has lost and feels certain that the list of the dead will grow so long she won’t be able to remember them all. She feels nauseated at the idea that someone will be forgotten. And that joins the guilt over those she is glad are gone. She knows that loosing Colonel Sumner hurt them all, but she can’t imagine not having John at her side as military commander of Atlantis.

The feeling of being watched finally penetrates her thoughts. She turns as she opens her eyes and finds John watching her.

*

“What are you thinking about, Doctor?” he asks once she meets his eyes.

She answers softly. “Those we lost. It seemed to hit me while I was recording messages to the families. The sheer number of those we have lost, and knowing that soon we will lose so many more.”

He hears the guilt and self-blame in her voice. “Their deaths were not your fault, Elizabeth. They are not your personal failures.” He speaks gently. It doesn’t even register that he lets his mask slip, stops calling her Doctor and uses her first name.

She is startled by his insight and ability to read her, and turns back to gaze at the water. “Like you don’t feel the same way,” she finally says.

“Hey, I never said you had to stop feeling that way. I don’t think either of us ever will. I just said their deaths were not your fault. What we know to be true in our head isn’t easy for us to accept in our hearts,” John defends his words. He shakes himself out of these deep thoughts and tried to coax a smile from her. “Whoa, deep thoughts from Major Sheppard. Didn’t think it was possible from me, did you?”

Elizabeth smiles faintly, knowing what he is attempting to do. She turns to him and sees something in his eyes.

She stops putting it off any longer. She’s known something was wrong with him since he returned from scouting with Teyla. “What happened out there today, Major? Something happened with Teyla.” She’s concerned about him. She knows she can’t survive losing him.

John decides to give it one last shot. After all, she does get where he is coming from a lot of the time… she may not agree with what he says, but most of the time, he knows she understands. He needs someone to understand and he’s fast realizing she is the one.

“Teyla wanted me to save a family she knew on the planet. I refused. She pressed; I finally relented and told her if we had time. In the end, I went back because the Wraith opened a wormhole to prevent escape. But Teyla didn’t understand… I thought she, of all people, would understand that our people come first. The Atlantis team, the Athosians, they are my first and only priority; if it could jeopardize them, then I won’t consider it,” John explains briefly. “You fight the battles you can win.” He sighs. “Or at least the ones you have a prayer of winning… or the ones that are for the greatest good.” He knows that they don’t really have a prayer of winning this coming battle, but they have every chance of winning the fight to stop the Wraith from gaining a way to Earth. And in the end, that is what counts the most.

“You were right, although I would have probably said ‘if we have time’ from the beginning. But we can’t save the world, Major. We do what we can for our people… trying to save everyone would destroy us,” Elizabeth tells him. He’s shocked at her words and she sees it. “I do understand where you are coming from, John. I may not agree with your ideas all the time, but I know you simply want to protect our people.”

She knows she made the leap to using his first name, but she knows, too, that it feels right. She knows John is someone who shares her fears and desires about Atlantis with. She knows, too, that things have changed since the very beginning. He trusts her more now. They still argue, but there is a different in their differences now. And she likes it.

John stares at her in bafflement. He wonders if she can read his mind or if he’s lost his poker face. Maybe, he realizes, she just knows him well enough now, after everything they’ve been through. Because he can’t imagine anyone else in charge of Atlantis. And he refuses to acknowledge the fact that if they were to find a way back to Earth, he’ll cease to be the military commander of Atlantis.

Their shoulders brush as they turn back to stare out at the water. They need to return to their duties momentarily… they each have taken more time than they should, but it is the time they need to ready themselves for what Atlantis faces.

John thinks that maybe he was wrong. Maybe it has always been Elizabeth who understands him best. And maybe, now, he can trust his decisions. Maybe he has found someone he can share his burden with, while taking on some of hers. He knows that right now is not the time to decide this. They have to make it through the Wraith attack first, something he is not certain they will do.

Elizabeth thinks maybe she has found someone she can just be Elizabeth Weir with. She can only wait and see, but they need to make it through the Wraith attack first, and there is no certainty that either of them will.

Working together, maybe Atlantis stands a chance.  



End file.
